You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
