she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Success! We fucked roommates!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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