If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
