I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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