You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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