remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
