Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You were trust falling into bushes
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
