I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
