I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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