i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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