I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
