Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
