p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
