I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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