DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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