If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
