i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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