i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
