Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
