he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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