"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
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I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
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I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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