I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
