When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
