i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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