Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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