So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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