i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
