Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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