my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is