but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi