i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
