Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
