never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
