Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
