Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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