Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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