i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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