i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
