So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
