is wine microwaveable?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
