I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
