we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
