Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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