I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
