he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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