im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
