Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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