K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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