My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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