you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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