I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
