I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
this boner is exhausting
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
