Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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