i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
