U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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