I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
