Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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