shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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