I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
