i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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